Social Distancing

Social Distancing
By Tim Tayag

With the pandemic scare all around us, social distancing is now the “in” thing to do. I practice it now and it has made my life more efficient. You too can use the wonders of social distancing to excuse yourself from observing the niceties of our society and live a better life. These are just some situations wherein you can exploit social distancing:

When you’re out with family and friends and you have to kiss everyone hello or goodbye, just say that you want to contain the pandemic so instead of kissing everyone you just give them a fist bump. You can leave a place faster and you look cooler.

When that officemate of yours who has chronic bad breath starts another conversation with you, wear your mask. You won’t be offending anyone, you just want to be safe.

If you want to get the day off, just call your office and say, “I’m not feeling so well, boss, but if you still want me to come in, I will” in between coughs. You’ll get the week off and get paid for it too.

Your in-laws will suddenly stop calling you and asking you to visit them once they find out you could have been possibly exposed to the virus. It also helps if you mention to them that you read on the Internet that the virus could be spread through phone calls.

If you have a chatty driver like mine, have him wear a surgical mask and tell him to minimize his communication with you to nods and shakes of the head. You’ll be able to sleep better on the road.

When collectors call you, keep coughing and insist to meet them in person to settle your account today because today is the only day you will have the money to ever pay them. They will re-classify you to “uncollectible” and will never bother you again.

You can avoid taking your balikbayan relatives and friends out on the town by just telling them that the WHO has required you to accompany them to the quarantine facility in Muntinlupa. They will become unreachable immediately.

You can also make some money by stocking up on surgical masks and rubbing alcohol. Remember to take your vitamins, always wash your hands, and stay at home as much as possible.